Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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