Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
