Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
