i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
