i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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