I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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