Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
