My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
