I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
