my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
