Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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