I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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