She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Houston, we have a blender
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
