I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
