The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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