Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
