maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
