Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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