I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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