I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
