Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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