my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And then my night got REAL pukey
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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