Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
