Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
The best revenge is premature balding
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
