Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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