I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
