its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
