I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
