she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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