Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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