I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
