I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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