So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
