I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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