i wish there were pregnant emoticons
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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