hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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