I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
