help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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