New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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