She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I want her autograph on my taint
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
