Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
