Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
