I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
