woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
