I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
