i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
