woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
