i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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