i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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