woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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