I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
