All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
